May and a half newsletter - Katie in Mexico

“The End is Coming”
Cuernavaca, Mexico Newsletter
May 2008
By Katie


No denying it, time is flying and bringing me closer and closer to the end of my year in Mexico. With that realization comes a mix of emotions that seems to ebb and flow several times each day from one extreme to the other. I have a difficult time articulating this current state of confusion and contradiction and constant change; but nonetheless, as many friends, coworkers, and family members start asking me about what “the end” feels like to me, I will take a stab at the impossible and try to make sense of the muddled emotions swimming through my brain. As a visual and graphic learner myself, I present to you a visual metaphor by using a familiar Taoist symbol: the yin yang.

The yin-yang represents the opposing duality of two energies, each very distinct but also interconnected. The two sides compliment and transition into the other and the whole circle emerges. One energy cannot exist without the other. July 9th. One day. “The end.” Two very different and separate worlds of emotions and realities, yet one side does not exist without the other. Together, “leaving Mexico” and “returning home” create the whole, “the end.”

Leaving Mexico
I moved to Cuernavaca last August and have spent the past ten months or so creating a life here. I was welcomed into a Mexican host family, a wonderful one at that, and I continue to develop and evolve in our relationships. I stepped foot into very challenging and rewarding job sites. Both jobs pushed me to struggle through my misguided attempts to serve a community that I didn’t understand; confront my inadequacies; come to terms with the fact that I can’t change the community (or the world); adapt to work within and be a part of those communities; and to find joy and love in accepting the communities as they are. Meanwhile, I formed silly friendships with my coworkers. I grew to crave the moments of children’s unconditional love, wonder, and innocence that they share with me daily through a hug or smile or small success in class. I made friends with other gringos and Mexicans and find so much pleasure in our opportunities to meet and share an afternoon or an evening together. I walked this journey with four other volunteers and my country coordinator who have all served as my rocks, my breaths of fresh air, the guiding light at my feet, and the tides that pull me to new realizations and perspectives. I learned the intricate map of shortcuts and scenic routes of southern Cuernavaca; the good stands in the market; my favorite hideouts downtown to get a (cheap) coffee or beer or bite to eat; and numerous ways to blend in like a local despite my blonde hair and light eyes.
Not all of it has been bliss and I have struggled to find peace in the cross-cultural conflicts of day-to-day life in Mexico. I had an unbelievably difficult time adjusting to my work sites and letting go of my US-American expectations of what “education” should look like. Although I am more flexible with the inconsistencies at my work sites, my work still continues to raise my blood pressure and leave me exhausted at the end of the day. On some days I love the slow pace of not having plans and a “what’s the rush?” attitude… other days that mentality tests my US-American patience and leaves me irritated and thinking to myself “there is so much else I could be doing right now.” I still despise machismo and feel like I am on the verge of clinical insanity caused by excessive catcalls, unwanted attention, and objectification. I am looking forward to not having to question the “safety” of food at restaurants or street-stands, or having to disinfect almost every piece of produce at home with iodine drops. I’m looking forward to not getting some sort of digestive illness and inevitably wind up stupefied, not knowing what caused it or how to treat it. Leaving Mexico will be more heartbreaking than anything… but I would be a liar if I didn’t say that it might also be a slight relief.
Soon I will leave this place with never-fading summer warmth; flowers continually in bloom; loud traffic and stifling exhaust; bustling markets of noisy vendors, fresh vegetables, fruits and meats; a pace that slows and morphs for any unexpected visitor or invitation; and simple living and simple pleasures. Soon I will say goodbye to the kids who hugged me, played with me, and pulled me through the dark days. Soon I will say goodbye to the volunteers who understand this year on a level that I can never fully express to my friends and family back home. Soon I will say goodbye to Marce, my confidant, my nurse, my friend, my Mexican mother and loyal caretaker.
Denial: I’m knee-deep in it… no, better yet, I’m luxuriously bathing in it. I am starting to slowly ponder how “leaving” will affect me, but I will openly admit that my thoughts are almost completely wrapped up in enjoying my last weeks and the daydreams of returning to the things I’ve missed from home. Time is moving quickly now and no amount of mental or emotional preparation will save me from some tears, heartache, and the occasional longing to stay in Mexico. Soon I will confront the reality of saying goodbye, boarding a bus to the airport, and spending five hours in flight that will take me from one side of the yin yang to the other.

Returning Home
To be completely honest, I’ve been looking forward to my return home ever since the beginning of my time in Mexico. Even during the most marvelous and joyful days in Mexico, I have still felt ties to the pieces of home that are so much a part of me. I have always looked forward with excitement and anticipation for the reunification with those things. I lack the words to describe how soul-lifting it will be to see my family and friends; how grounding it will be to feel my feet in the grass at my parents’ home or in the sand by the lake; how encouraging and reassuring it will be talk with those of you who have been following my journey (for which I am eternally grateful); how centering it will be to return Madison and spend a sunny afternoon on the Terrace with friends; how energizing it will be to go for scenic runs, bike rides or swims; and how spiritually enriching it will be to walk into Bethany Lutheran where I know the faces, where I know the hymns, and where I can always find a piece of myself and my faith.
In almost every way, I am deeply and genuinely excited to return home. That being said, I also have to recognize the difficulties awaiting me. Coming home might be a very isolating experience as I haphazardly navigate my way through reverse culture shock. I fear my own inability to relate to US-American culture; I fear my inability to relate to others; I fear others’ inability to relate to me; I fear my inability to articulate what this year really means to me. I fear the confrontation with the pieces of US-American culture that run counter to my post-Mexico self (some which that never felt right to me before; others will be new to me after this experience).
As I re-transition into the United States, I will attempt to find a way to build a grounded, healthy, and soul-satisfying life in which my Mexican self can breathe and grow within my US-American environment. This is my greatest aspiration for my future and leaves me wondering what that obstacle-ridden journey will look like. What decisions can I make that honor and acknowledge how this year has changed me? How can I share with others my Mexican experience and new perspectives with grace? How can I find an open and spiritually-honest lifestyle that finds a balance between my Mexican self and my US-American self? I certainly have hopes for certain Mexican lessons and philosophies I want to bring home, but keeping them in practice will be challenging when so many of them do not easily fit into US-American way of living. Unfortunately, in this world we cannot always cherry-pick from our favorite places, foods and flavors, holidays and traditions, social interactions, and mentality (of ourselves and others) and surround ourselves only with the things that make our souls sing and rejoice. Life is sometimes not what we hope it will be. I cannot wave a magic wand and change certain parts of US-American culture to fit the measure and rhythm of my post-Mexican self. Nor would I want to change it. But I can hope, pray, and attempt to maintain those pieces of my post-Mexican self that bring me life and joy.
This hope of mine reminds me of the book I am currently reading, Plan B: Further thoughts on faith by Anne Lamott. In one chapter she references a man named A.J. Muste who stood in front of the White House during the Vietnam War with a candle every night. A reporter once asked him if he believed that standing with a candle would actually change the government’s policies. He replied, “I don’t do it to change the country, I do it so the country won’t change me.” Oooo, I like that. Let’s see that one again: “I don’t do it to change the country, I do it so the country won’t change me.”
I may not hold candles at night, but I might march or protest for immigration reform. I might spend time during the summer volunteering in the desert with No More Deaths (No Más Muertes). I might pride myself on making handmade tortillas and savor the Mexican flavors I can recreate at home. I might throw my To-Do list out the window and change plans to make time for an unexpected call from a friend or family member – as my Mexican brothers and sisters teach me, sometimes our time is the greatest gift we can give. After beginning to consider some of the lifestyle choices that I can make, I hope that I have the strength and determination to firmly grasp onto the choices that allow me to put my feet on the path that I preach. And I won’t do it to change the country (or my friends, or family, or neighbors); I’ll do it so the country won’t change me.

Conclusion
Just like the yin-yang, I am currently feeling an opposition and a duality between “leaving Mexico” and “returning home.” Each side is distinct and each carries distinct fears, expectations and hopes. At the same time, I cannot have one without the other. It will be a difficult transition for me, probably in more ways that I can begin to imagine; nonetheless, I am also greatly looking forward to seeing you all on the flip side of the yin-yang come July.



Photos: http://picasaweb.google.com/klgavle
Blog: http://klgavlemexico.blogspot.com/